dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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