I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
