I didn't shave. On purpose
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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