The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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