May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
