his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
