you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
