Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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