so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
