so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
