I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
