Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
