she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
