I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
