mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
