update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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