Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
