do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Text me some of your sweat
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
