so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
