i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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