This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
