haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
