I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
