dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
