"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
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