Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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