I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
