At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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