if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
