So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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