Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
my poor anus
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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