you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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