well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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