So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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