My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
