You're completely useless in the revolution.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
