this beer tastes like vomit already
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
