He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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