am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
