We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
