I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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