The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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