I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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