Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
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