Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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