he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Two words: nipple clamps
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