What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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