I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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