I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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