But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
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I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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