You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
