Don't make out with my wife yet
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
