You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
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You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
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I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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