Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
