Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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